Colby Houchin
So okay, women submit to and trust your husband. Husbands, be like Christ to your family. Why is it good to submit? Well, it's the same as us submitting to the Lord. It is God wrapping his arms around the biblical family and saying, "this is I Am at the head. I am the authority figure. I am the person that you're going to turn to." And husband, wife, kids, and everybody we are called to submit to that authority. And that's when marriages work. That's when you go, "oh, I'm not trying to out-compete my spouse, I'm trying to Out-serve my spouse. I'm trying to out-love my spouse. I'm trying to walk in the ways of the Lord with my husband and wife, with my children, building them up." Oh, all of a sudden, family looks really good in that situation. And then you go, okay, throw in a nonbeliever into that context, and it's just not going to work. There is just no way for that model of marriage to work where one submits to the Lord and submits to the other, but the other is not submitting to the ways of the Lord. How can that actually produce the fruit that we're called to produce?
Adam Sanders
Absolutely. Yeah, that was a lot of what I had in mind. Even with that idea of, if the Lord is calling you to this, why would you want to jeopardize that by jumping in with somebody who is not following with the reciprocal value of it. If you're a young lady and you are going to be submitting to someone who is not submitted to Christ, and has no desire to lead your family in godliness, then you have been given an impossible task to submit to something that will only lead to: a stripping of your joy, a stripping of your faith, and leading your family in the wrong way. And likewise for a young man, if you're marrying someone who's not submitted to Christ herself, she's probably not going to submit to you. And as you're laying your life down for this person and they're laying their life down for the world, it's going to build up bitterness and resentment. I know you hear old people like us (I've entered into that category now. I'm officially an old man giving you advice.), but you hear this kind of advice all the time of just imploring you to think with future perspective and not immediate perspective. And I've been in your shoes before, so I know how hard it is to hear that sometimes. But a lot of this really does come down to that. You're investing in something in the future, and the fruit of it will be very bitter if you invest in the wrong way. And so we're asking you to maybe even listen to someone against what your heart, and your emotions, and the time are telling you to do. But maybe trust that these people actually do care about you a little bit. Your parents care about you, and they're not just trying to strip fun from you by saying, "Hey, I know he's cute and he's funny, but I don't think he has the qualities that are going to lead to your flourishing." There's a reason they're saying it.
Art Devos
No, absolutely. And we live in a culture that has damaged marriage significantly. Our culture has looked at marriage as something that is dissolvable and just like, look, if you want out, just be out. That's not what the Bible says. Marriage is in that Genesis 2 passage when it says, "and they shall become one flesh," it is one. It is about loyalty. It is about having the same passion and it is permanent.
Colby Houchin
And what does it say in Matthew 19? "What God brought together, let no man separate," right? It is the hardness of our sinful hearts that leads to broken marriages, but God desires that union forever for life.
Art Devos
Yeah. And so when we look at just the cultural context for marriage, yeah, it's really easy to question why guys like us would say, "don't marry an unbeliever." In fact, we will keep shouting it. Don't marry an unbeliever. If you are dating an unbeliever, you need to break up. We will tell that to you in love. It's not because we don't feel the same way about them, but here's the thing. It is for your-- It is for your, what am I trying to say here? It will do you way better, it'll serve you way better, your life will be better. And I know it's hard to see that, because you're having so much fun probably in that relationship with an unbeliever. Unbelievers are very fun sometimes, and it's very appealing. But the thing about it, is that fun stops. And if your faith is important to you, you'll realize that they're not doing anything to help you and encourage you and build you up in that.
Colby Houchin
And you said something that I want to make sure we say explicitly because we need to hear...we're talking about marriage, but you also said dating. This goes for dating as well. Because dating isn't actually something that like, "Hey, let's go to the dating passage of the Bible." Dating, the way we think about it today, wasn't what was practiced during any of the biblical times. And so we kind of have to apply some practical wisdom to, what does it look like to date because there is no biblical precedent. But what we see is that courtship or those relationships that led to marriage in biblical times. Like, the version today is dating. And they had a very similar standard of, we have these similar values and virtues and goals that we're trying to have. And so in dating, you need to have the perspective that, "Hey, I'm dating." It doesn't mean that we're so serious that we're definitely going to get married, but we need to have a certain seriousness of dating, of like, if we are completely misaligned to where marriage is not going to happen, then that's not a good relationship for believers to pursue. For all the reasons that we've already talked about, it just is not going to work out. So we're talking about marriage, but we're also talking about dating of, do not date unbelievers and also do not date to evangelize. That is a very foolish way to go about relationships. If it's, "I'm going to date this boy and I'm going to bring him to church, and then Jesus is going to change his heart, and then we're going to get married and have lots of babies." That's a really stupid way to do it. And your hearts are going to say, "but we can do it. We got it. We can do this." But it's a very foolish thing.
Art Devos
"This time it'll be different."
Adam Sanders
Yeah, but it won't. I would say this goes beyond just, even the non-believer. But I think as just a general piece of advice towards relationship, as it stands to that point, I think it's unfair to expect someone to drastically change any kind of characteristic or quality upon marriage. Yes, we all grow. I'm sure if our wives were here, they would testify that we're not the same men they married. And probably a lot of those things are for the better. A little
Colby Houchin
Or a little heavier maybe.
Adam Sanders
Growing in maturity, growing in girth, all of those kinds of things. But in a very real sense, if it's a core character value or belief or ideal, if it doesn't align with what you're looking for, don't expect marriage to flip someone around. And this is another, maybe I'm calling someone out here, and if I am, I'm doing so in love, I promise you. But there's also a component, especially when it comes to dating and puppy love. If you're engaging in any kind of flirtatious attention giving, even physical components of relationship (the handholding, the hugging, the bumping up against each other), our bodies are designed in such a way that that's going to knit your heart closer to somebody. And so, if you're doing that, your body is sending signals that says, "this person is the greatest person in the world and there's no one like them." I do promise you, that goes away to a certain extent, and it goes away very quickly. If there is a completely unequal yoking of ideals, purpose, belief, those things no longer cut the mustard, to use an old man phrase, since I'm an old man.
Colby Houchin
So, when I studied psychology and counseling, we tested the idea of, well, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And to go along with what you said, it doesn't. Scientifically, it doesn't. That distance actually, it fades that attraction and that bond, I think would be a good way to say it. But on the flip side, yeah. Being close and flirty and touchy and rubby and just close in proximity, it does bring people together. We are made for relationship, whether that be in romantic relationships or friendships or acquaintanceship. We are created to connect with other people. And so you're very right. That's going to be the natural process that takes place in that.
Adam Sanders
So if you're dating a non-believer, refuse to hold their hand for a long time, your emotions might change.