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This edition of Ask the Pastor features Camp Pastors Adam Sanders, Colby Houchin, and Art Devos.
Art Devos
So, let's kick it off right away. "Why is marrying a non-Christian such a big deal to some people?" And that's a question, I think, that gets asked a lot.
Colby Houchin
Yeah, I always like the wording of our questions. And so I look at this one and I'm like, I try to get into the mind of whoever out there asked it. You know, this could be a very innocent question of, "why is it that people care about this?" And this also could be almost like a hostile question of, "why is it that it's such a big deal to some people? Like my mom and everybody else in my life." And I don't know who you are, but I don't know what mentality you have going into this question, but I think I can confidently say, and I'm going to assume that you guys agree, that I'm one of those people that would say, it's a big deal. I'm assuming you guys would agree, right?
Art Devos
Yes, absolutely.
Colby Houchin
It's a really big deal. And I think we need to start this conversation of, why is it such a big deal if Christians marry non-Christians? Or, why is it a big deal that we affirm Christian and Christian marriages, not interfaith marriages? I think we have to ask, what is marriage? That's the first question. And this is sprinkled throughout the scriptures. We see this in Genesis, too. We see this throughout the Old Testament. We see this in the mouth of Jesus. We see this in the teachings of Paul. We see this all over the scripture. But marriage is the union of a man and a woman for life. It is considered a one flesh union. And I think something that we have to highlight, looking at Matthew 17, the words of Jesus. It is what God brings together. This isn't something that we choose to do. Obviously, we have a choice, right? All three of us here are married. We all made a decision, we all asked a question. We all went through that awkward, terrifying moment of going down on one knee and then the shakes of asking a woman to marry us. And then turned around and potentially teared up on the altar as our wife walked down the aisle. We all chose those things, but at the same time, all we did is say some words and put a ring on our finger. God was actually the one that instituted this beautiful covenant at the end of the day. And so, just a theme of this episode, I think, is going to be kind of defining how serious are we going to look at God's word? How serious are we going to look at the things of the Lord? And are we going to take those things seriously, or are we going to kind of throw them to the wayside and say that what we think and what we feel is more important? And I think that as you listen to this episode, you're going to go, "oh yeah, that is kind of a theme for today." So just to start, marriage is something God created. And so we have to start there. I'm curious what you guys want to say.
Adam Sanders
Yeah, definitely. I like the way you used the word covenant there, and I think it doesn't exactly catch the imagery of it, but another way to describe that is, it's a contract. And I think a lot of times when we're in our younger mode, we're thinking of relationships through the vantage point of, how does someone make me feel? The friendship, and the fun component of that. And all those things are important. I think a healthy good marriage incorporates a lot of that, and is able to appreciate that part of it too. But when we think about the contractual part of it, it makes you, especially as you get older as an adult, you kind of think whenever you enter into a serious agreement with someone, that has serious ramifications and serious results that come from that. You begin to ask yourself more serious questions about that person's character. The alignment that you have for vision in the future, and in the present. And you start to realize the significance that comes with having that agreement in accord when it comes to how you're going to conduct life moving forward. And you need someone who's on a similar page as you in order to do that well.
Art Devos
All of that is true. And one of the things I think about too is, even take a spouse out of the equation here for a second, alright? Just look at it as a friendship. So the Bible has a lot to say about, who our friends are and what kind of friends we are to keep, right? We can look at the book of Proverbs and the advice that Proverbs gives us about who we should be hanging out with. And it really is about the company that we are keeping. And so we can look at passages, and I just turned to the first one here that I have on my list, 2 Corinthians 6:14. And this one is very much used in the argument for why you don't marry a nonbeliever. But really, it is here in the context as well of your friends. "Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness?" And we can continue on there, but really your spouse is going to be your best friend, or should be your best friend. They should be your number one in all things. They should be the first person you go to when something goes wrong. They should be the first person you go to when you want to celebrate something. Like, your spouse should be your best friend. That is the company you are going to keep for life, and that company that you keep is going to be your biggest influence on you. And so, that is why when we start talking about the context of marriage and not marrying an unbeliever, it's because that believer is going to have the biggest influence on your faith. Because, what about when you want to go to church and they don't? What about when you want to start attending a Bible study and they don't?
Colby Houchin
What about if you want to support a missionary and the other one wants to buy a bunch of alcohol on the weekend and party? Because it's often a choice one of those two, like those lifestyle decisions that are one or the other.
Art Devos
Right, it means that, well, "I want to live for God," while they want to live for the world. And that's exactly why that question would come out that way. 1 Corinthians 15:33-34 is another one. It says, "do not deceived. Evil company corrupts good habits. Awake to the righteousness and do not sin. For some do not have the knowledge of God." And so you look at that and it's like, we shouldn't keep close company. It doesn't mean, don't go out and interact with unbelievers. In fact, we're supposed to for the sake of telling them who God is and showing them who God is through our lives. But it's not in a marriage context. It's not, my best friends shouldn't be unbelievers. If you're a believer, your best friend shouldn't be. Because again, that's the greatest influence on your life. And so that's where I go with this argument, as far as why it's that important.
Colby Houchin
Yeah. Another area that, I wanted to bring in Genesis 2 really quick. I think that the language is really important, and this is an NLT. It's not a translation I usually use, but I didn't want to drive back to my office on my day off to grab my usual Bible. But Genesis 2:24, it says, "that explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one." And that again, that just highlights everything that Art said, that the seriousness of marriage is a oneness. There's a unity that is required there. And if looking at Ephesians 5, when I preached through Colossians, you get to the end, it's either at the end of three or, I think it's middle of three. And the end of three into four, it talks about the order of the home. I read the Colossians passage, but then I immediately flipped to the Ephesians 5 passage, because it's the same thing but in more detail. But just to highlight a few parts of Ephesians 5, it says, Ephesians 5:21, "and further submit to one another out of reverence for Christ." Verse 22, "for wives, this means submit to your husbands as to the Lord." Jumping down to verse 25, then there's a couple more things it says, "husbands, this means love your wives just as Christ loved the church. Now, here's what we don't often talk about in the church, and we need to talk about more, is that the model that Ephesians, that Paul is laying out to the church of Ephesus and laying out to all of his churches. It's not like he taught something different to the Corinthians and taught something different to the Thessalonians. This was the model that the Lord called for him to teach, but it was a subversion of the Roman system. And it still is a subversion of our secular current system of family, where the Roman system said, "the husband is all powerful and everybody else is just subject to whatever he wanted." We see a very broken, pleasure-based, like, just do what's best for you. A, "You go live your best life, whatever makes you happy system today." Both of those are completely shattered by what we see here in Ephesians and other places in the New Testament. And really, what this is calling for is a deep and profound submission to Christ where the head of the household is not the husband. It's Christ. Basically, the imagery I like to use is, I like to think of Christ having his arms wrapped around the family, the biblical family. And when hear this language of wives submitting to your husbands, why is that a good thing? Well, it's only good for wives to submit to a husband in this biblical, godly marriage where this man is living the way he's called to. It goes for nine verses of, what does it mean for a husband to be married and to love his wife? It basically describes Christ loving the church.
Colby Houchin
So okay, women submit to and trust your husband. Husbands, be like Christ to your family. Why is it good to submit? Well, it's the same as us submitting to the Lord. It is God wrapping his arms around the biblical family and saying, "this is I Am at the head. I am the authority figure. I am the person that you're going to turn to." And husband, wife, kids, and everybody we are called to submit to that authority. And that's when marriages work. That's when you go, "oh, I'm not trying to out-compete my spouse, I'm trying to Out-serve my spouse. I'm trying to out-love my spouse. I'm trying to walk in the ways of the Lord with my husband and wife, with my children, building them up." Oh, all of a sudden, family looks really good in that situation. And then you go, okay, throw in a nonbeliever into that context, and it's just not going to work. There is just no way for that model of marriage to work where one submits to the Lord and submits to the other, but the other is not submitting to the ways of the Lord. How can that actually produce the fruit that we're called to produce?
Adam Sanders
Absolutely. Yeah, that was a lot of what I had in mind. Even with that idea of, if the Lord is calling you to this, why would you want to jeopardize that by jumping in with somebody who is not following with the reciprocal value of it. If you're a young lady and you are going to be submitting to someone who is not submitted to Christ, and has no desire to lead your family in godliness, then you have been given an impossible task to submit to something that will only lead to: a stripping of your joy, a stripping of your faith, and leading your family in the wrong way. And likewise for a young man, if you're marrying someone who's not submitted to Christ herself, she's probably not going to submit to you. And as you're laying your life down for this person and they're laying their life down for the world, it's going to build up bitterness and resentment. I know you hear old people like us (I've entered into that category now. I'm officially an old man giving you advice.), but you hear this kind of advice all the time of just imploring you to think with future perspective and not immediate perspective. And I've been in your shoes before, so I know how hard it is to hear that sometimes. But a lot of this really does come down to that. You're investing in something in the future, and the fruit of it will be very bitter if you invest in the wrong way. And so we're asking you to maybe even listen to someone against what your heart, and your emotions, and the time are telling you to do. But maybe trust that these people actually do care about you a little bit. Your parents care about you, and they're not just trying to strip fun from you by saying, "Hey, I know he's cute and he's funny, but I don't think he has the qualities that are going to lead to your flourishing." There's a reason they're saying it.
Art Devos
No, absolutely. And we live in a culture that has damaged marriage significantly. Our culture has looked at marriage as something that is dissolvable and just like, look, if you want out, just be out. That's not what the Bible says. Marriage is in that Genesis 2 passage when it says, "and they shall become one flesh," it is one. It is about loyalty. It is about having the same passion and it is permanent.
Colby Houchin
And what does it say in Matthew 19? "What God brought together, let no man separate," right? It is the hardness of our sinful hearts that leads to broken marriages, but God desires that union forever for life.
Art Devos
Yeah. And so when we look at just the cultural context for marriage, yeah, it's really easy to question why guys like us would say, "don't marry an unbeliever." In fact, we will keep shouting it. Don't marry an unbeliever. If you are dating an unbeliever, you need to break up. We will tell that to you in love. It's not because we don't feel the same way about them, but here's the thing. It is for your-- It is for your, what am I trying to say here? It will do you way better, it'll serve you way better, your life will be better. And I know it's hard to see that, because you're having so much fun probably in that relationship with an unbeliever. Unbelievers are very fun sometimes, and it's very appealing. But the thing about it, is that fun stops. And if your faith is important to you, you'll realize that they're not doing anything to help you and encourage you and build you up in that.
Colby Houchin
And you said something that I want to make sure we say explicitly because we need to hear...we're talking about marriage, but you also said dating. This goes for dating as well. Because dating isn't actually something that like, "Hey, let's go to the dating passage of the Bible." Dating, the way we think about it today, wasn't what was practiced during any of the biblical times. And so we kind of have to apply some practical wisdom to, what does it look like to date because there is no biblical precedent. But what we see is that courtship or those relationships that led to marriage in biblical times. Like, the version today is dating. And they had a very similar standard of, we have these similar values and virtues and goals that we're trying to have. And so in dating, you need to have the perspective that, "Hey, I'm dating." It doesn't mean that we're so serious that we're definitely going to get married, but we need to have a certain seriousness of dating, of like, if we are completely misaligned to where marriage is not going to happen, then that's not a good relationship for believers to pursue. For all the reasons that we've already talked about, it just is not going to work out. So we're talking about marriage, but we're also talking about dating of, do not date unbelievers and also do not date to evangelize. That is a very foolish way to go about relationships. If it's, "I'm going to date this boy and I'm going to bring him to church, and then Jesus is going to change his heart, and then we're going to get married and have lots of babies." That's a really stupid way to do it. And your hearts are going to say, "but we can do it. We got it. We can do this." But it's a very foolish thing.
Art Devos
"This time it'll be different."
Adam Sanders
Yeah, but it won't. I would say this goes beyond just, even the non-believer. But I think as just a general piece of advice towards relationship, as it stands to that point, I think it's unfair to expect someone to drastically change any kind of characteristic or quality upon marriage. Yes, we all grow. I'm sure if our wives were here, they would testify that we're not the same men they married. And probably a lot of those things are for the better. A little
Colby Houchin
Or a little heavier maybe.
Adam Sanders
Growing in maturity, growing in girth, all of those kinds of things. But in a very real sense, if it's a core character value or belief or ideal, if it doesn't align with what you're looking for, don't expect marriage to flip someone around. And this is another, maybe I'm calling someone out here, and if I am, I'm doing so in love, I promise you. But there's also a component, especially when it comes to dating and puppy love. If you're engaging in any kind of flirtatious attention giving, even physical components of relationship (the handholding, the hugging, the bumping up against each other), our bodies are designed in such a way that that's going to knit your heart closer to somebody. And so, if you're doing that, your body is sending signals that says, "this person is the greatest person in the world and there's no one like them." I do promise you, that goes away to a certain extent, and it goes away very quickly. If there is a completely unequal yoking of ideals, purpose, belief, those things no longer cut the mustard, to use an old man phrase, since I'm an old man.
Colby Houchin
So, when I studied psychology and counseling, we tested the idea of, well, absence makes the heart grow fonder. And to go along with what you said, it doesn't. Scientifically, it doesn't. That distance actually, it fades that attraction and that bond, I think would be a good way to say it. But on the flip side, yeah. Being close and flirty and touchy and rubby and just close in proximity, it does bring people together. We are made for relationship, whether that be in romantic relationships or friendships or acquaintanceship. We are created to connect with other people. And so you're very right. That's going to be the natural process that takes place in that.
Adam Sanders
So if you're dating a non-believer, refuse to hold their hand for a long time, your emotions might change.