You can listen to Ask The Pastor every weekday at 9:00am MST on 97.1FM Hope Radio KCMI! You can also listen and subscribe to Ask The Pastor in your favorite podcast feed. Listen on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, Stitcher, Amazon Music and most other podcast services.
This edition of Ask the Pastor features Pastors Kiley Callaway, Tyson Lambertson, John Mulholland and Jon Simpson.
Jon Simpson
We've been on this topic of marriage, understanding the importance of having healthy marriages for our community, knowing that God has built really everything on marriage, all the way back in the beginning of the garden of Eden with Adam and Eve. And so we know that it matters to God, and yet we understand what a challenge it is to navigate marriage and to try to move in the right direction with our marriages, towards marriages that are God honoring. And so of course, we looked at a number of different topics inside of this and how to work at our marriages, work on our marriages. And so this week we want to look at the idea of hanging in marriage and resisting, sometimes the urge to get out. With the understanding that there are situations where individuals need to leave a marriage. For reasons of abuse or physical danger, we're not advocating that you would stay in every marriage all the time, no matter what. But we still want to talk probably to the majority of marriages that are going to have a temptation at times, to give up on it because of the pressure, because of conflict, because of not feeling the same feelings that we once felt. And so I think that's where scripture really gives us direction. And so Kylie, you got a kind of a key passage for us. Would you read that for us?
Kylie Callaway
Yes, John, I would. Matthew 19:3-6 says this, "And Pharisees came up to him and tested him. This is Jesus by asking, is it lawful to divorce one's wife for any cause? Jesus answered, Have you not read that He who created them from the beginning, made them male and female and said, therefore, a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife? And the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What, therefore God has joined together, let no man separate."
John Mulholland
I think you need to continue for a second. So I'll read the next ones. "Then why did Moses say in the law that a man could give his wife a written notice of divorce and send her away? They asked. Jesus replied, Moses permitted divorce only as a concession to your hard hearts, but it was not what God had originally intended." So I think we can stop there. You know, when you talked about abuse or physical situations, I think this is a challenging topic because, each one of us in ministry, we have dealt with a situation where there has been abuse or someone's been in physical danger in their marriage. From a marriage perspective, we still have an ideal, and we still have to talk about that as an ideal thing, that divorce is not within God's plan. I think we can say that. And yes, we can allow for realities that each one of us has dealt with, but that doesn't eliminate, or just because there is always the sinfulness of man, there is hard hearts. I think there are times where we are afraid to talk about this because of these scenarios and situations that each one of us have dealt with. And I don't think we can just say, we can't talk about the ideal because there are realities in people's lives. But I also think the flip of that is true. We can't talk about the realities of people's lives and then deny the ideal, if what I'm saying makes sense. So, I know our caution is, like you said at the beginning, we don't want to say you should stay married no matter what, even in a physical, abusive situation. Cause none of us would ever say that. But the truth is that doesn't negate what God calls people who are married to, which is I need to strive in my relationship to not divorce. And the only reason I can, the only reason I want to, or the only reason that's allowed us because of the hardness of my heart. And that hardness might be because I don't love my spouse anymore. That hardness might be physical abuse of my spouse against me. But I think that allowance of divorce or the fact that the divorce was permitted is only a concession because of the sinfulness of mankind. So, as we think about those situations, we have to recognize that the only reason that we are even allowed to consider the possibility of divorce is because of our sinfulness, which might manifest itself in lots of different ways. But the bottom line is, when we get married God wants us to remain in that marriage. And if there's abuse, we should leave, or if there's physical danger, we should leave. If there's marital infidelity, we have the ability to step away from that.
Kylie Callaway
And I agree with you and the points that we laid out. I mean, if we are totally and completely following the word of God and seeking God first. Praying together, reading the word together, submitting to him, killing our flesh, dying to ourselves, and submitting to God. If we're learning how to have fun with one another, if we're learning how to fight fair, cause there will be fights, I think we're less likely to be abusive to our spouse. So I'd go back to say, you know, when it's gotten to that point, have we even taken the steps that we've talked about today, to make our marriage as Godly as it can be? There are those cases where yes, there is abuse, there is not only physical abuse, there's emotional and there's verbal abuse. And I do agree with that, I never promote divorce. I do say that I think there's areas for separation to where, that man or that woman could come to their senses. To realize that I've erred, on the wrong side of the word, and I've lost something valuable to me. That gives the room for the holy spirit to bring restoration. And sometimes unfortunately, because of the hardness of the heart, some people just don't want to reconcile.
John Mulholland
Do you have some pushback on that Tyson? I feel like there are some things you want to say about that.
Tyson Lambertson
No, I'm just trying to formulate the proper context in this, because there is that emotional and that physical and sexual idea of, this is not healthy. And it's not going to get better because it's a continual habitual pattern. And I think that habitual pattern really lends to the hardness of heart. Not putting Christ as reverence, of the center of our life, and in this idea of not giving up. I think those things we set aside, and we talk about marriages who perhaps just have these tit for tat fights and we get upset because of the way we're treated. Again, I realize that all of us are sinners and we don't have it. And when we have an authority issue or are always trying to one up, that lends to this separation and we cannot, we cannot go there. We have to stay strong in our connection, and that's what we're talking about, is remaining strong in the connection, not giving up. Realizing that you have to lay down your sword and sometimes surrender, to allow the Lord to do what he wants to between a husband and wife.
John Mulholland
I think also this comes down to, these are deep spiritual things that we're talking about. And whether it's physical, mental, emotional, or verbal abuse, those things are just manifestations of what's happening in that person's heart. So, I guess what I mean by that is, there's a whole lot of things wrong with a person who is doing that. And as followers of Christ, we want to help people deal with their sin problem and point them to Christ. And those things are just the way that their sins manifest themselves. So, if I have a couple or a person typically in this situation, it's been a female that, "My spouse is doing this, I want to get a divorce." I think that is a last step. I'm not saying it's not unbiblical, I'm not saying it's not uncalled for, and I'm not saying it's not unreasonable. I would be hesitant to just say, "Yeah, you should divorce that." And I'm not saying you shouldn't be in a place where you're safe or anything like that, but I think our world has this whole concept of marriage backwards in terms of what it is and what it's not. And what makes this just a really sensitive subject, are the people that each one of us have talked to, and the realities that they deal with. But we're still presented with an ideal, I mean it's something that God has created. So we have to be, cautious and hesitant in the way that we talk to people who are in the midst of those very real things.
Tyson Lambertson
Well, I think one of the reasons why divorce is such a strong statement from the Lord that God hates it. Is that it's just really the beginning in the relationship, because now you live separate lives. But perhaps you have kids and divorce destroys relationships, not only the marriage relationship, but down the chain, or even with parents and grandparents and all of those situations. So divorce is one of those things that just destroys relationship, and God wants us to have relationships. And so that's why it's so important to onboard people, to help you avoid giving up. We have those realities of infidelity, of abuse that sometimes we need to say, no, don't stick in there. This is bad, this is not going anywhere, nothing's getting better. But if there's some repentance and some forgiveness offered or asked for, who am I to say no to that? Who are we to say no to that? To stay in the game, to make it better, become self-aware of our own junk, and deal with our own stuff so that we can be better in a relationship. That's what I think about, never giving up, realizing I've got to deal with myself so that I can help my spouse, help Tammy be better.
Jon Simpson
Yeah. I think the heart of this is that the people of Israel lobbied to Moses for the, okay to do this. And Jesus just reasserting, "Hey, don't think God was okay with that. And there's just too often, that as a rule we gravitate away from, we just do as human beings, we gravitate to what we want away from what God commands us to do. And we want to make all the reasons in the world of why it's okay and justified to do it. But the truth is, Jesus did a hard reset on marriage and he said, "No, actually that wasn't okay." And I think at times we just need to be self-aware of our culture and recognize that we've moved the same direction. And we want divorce really for almost any reason, and we find all kinds of reasons to justify it. That's what happens. And yes, it's a hardness of the heart, just like it was in the Old Testament, a lot of the time. And I'm talking about the big middle of the majority, and we're talking about extremes and exceptions and they're there. But really I think if we're to be honest with ourselves, and honest with what God thinks, we'd hang in a lot more. We'd fight a lot harder, we'd resist our selfish desires a lot more, and we'd hold ourselves accountable. Our churches, our people, our pastors, whoever to, "Hey, no, getting out is not the right answer." Yes. Working on me and growing spiritually and being more, in tune and obedient to what the scripture says. Because just even as you've said, a lot of times in this Tyson, in this whole marriage talk, humility is one of the hardest things to do. But man, it's a good thing to just go, "Hey, have I gotten to a place where I've been hurt? I just don't want to forgive anymore, I don't want to stay in this, I don't like it. I'm not happy." And our culture puts a lot of emphasis on happiness, you know? I mean, I've heard people go, "Well, I shouldn't just stay married for the kids. You know, that's not a good enough reason." I'm like, maybe it is, maybe actually those kids, you know, it's been said in the secular world that we're just selfish in our marriages. We don't care that much about the kids, because the kids get damaged. We all know they get damaged a lot more in divorce, but where is that? Hey, maybe we should stay in this for the kids. I don't know. Maybe it's not a bad thing.
John Mulholland
No. I think what we've gotten away from is, marriage is a covenant. And covenant means commitment. And I think that's why God hates divorce, is cause marriage is so much an example of God's love for us. And the example of the church.
Tyson Lambertson
Well, a covenant, a blood covenant was never meant to be broken. A commitment in today's society is a contract that can be null or void. It'd be argued in a court of law. And those types of things, the covenant, the God honoring covenant is meant not to be broken. And I think the stick-to-itiveness is important. I do think culture has played into, if I'm not happy, I'm gonna just run, I'm out. And that's with anything, that's with education. But marriage is right in there, that if I'm not happy, I'm out; that dishonors the Lord tremendously. And I do think we all have to come to a place from humility that says, "Man, I'm a sinner in need of Jesus, just as much as anybody else. And I have to forgive because the Bible says, if I don't forgive, how can I forgive you?" And that's a real issue with your first neighbor, you know?
Jon Simpson
Yeah. Well, listen, uh, maybe a little, a little tougher topic this time, but hopefully helpful to you. And again, we'd encourage you as always to get in the scriptures and to see what God has to say about these things, but we care about your marriage. We care about the marriages in our valley and, uh, and we know how important it is that we're strengthening marriage. And so we just pray that you would continue to work at your marriage.