Who you choose to marry, to face life with, is one of the most important decisions you will ever make. (The only thing which is definitely more important is choosing to accept Jesus’ payment on the cross for your sins—click this link for more info.)
June 20th, 2023 was the anniversary of my first date with my husband. Which means, as of June 20th, 2023, I had known my husband for one year.
It blows my mind thinking that he has only been in my life for a little over a year. He came along and turned out to be even more than I dared to hope for. I hadn’t even realized how low my bar had gotten until I met Dakota, and he showed me everything I’d been missing.
For example, there are times I thank Dakota for different things he does for me and his response is, “Amanda, that’s just the baseline of how people should treat each other.” And, I’m like, “I know, but the guys I’ve dated before have never done that, so I’m grateful for you.”
So, in honor of a year with a man who treats me better than I ever dreamed, here is a list of relationship green flags (in no particular order) for all of you still out there searching.
It’s important to note that we are all human and, chances are, no one is going to have mastered all of these green flags; however, the more green flags the better. And the key is to be with someone who desires to constantly work on improving themselves with you and who has these green flags as a goal.
They take responsibility for themselves.
Bottlecap Guru (Etsy)
Which means they recognize that there are things in life we can’t control, but we can control our own reactions and actions and we only have ourselves to blame if we choose poorly.
“I am who I am today because of the choices I made yesterday.” -Eleanor Roosevelt
No matter the cards life has dealt them, they work through their trials and struggles and keep trying to better themselves.
They don’t dwell in their misfortune and misery. A person who constantly acts like the world owes them, will never be able to build a life with you because they aren’t interested in building their own. They are only interested in taking from others. They will eventually even turn that “you owe me” attitude on you, and nothing you do will ever be enough.
“You are the only human in charge of your destiny. Unfair things may happen to you, unfortunate times may come to you, but you always get to choose how you respond. You can live in frustration and bitterness, or you can be the bigger person and just play the heck out of the cards you are dealt. The truth is that not a single person can choose the cards they receive, but everyone chooses how they play their cards.” -Nikki Banas
They support your personal growth.
Some people hate to see others grow because they are afraid they will be left behind.
“For so long I wanted you to hold me…until I realized how small you needed me to be to fit within your grasp.” -wild spirit, soft heart / butterflies rising
In a strong relationship, both parties should be working on growing and helping each other grow. Don’t hitch your life to someone who will selfishly hold you back instead of supporting you as you move forward.
“A great spouse loves you exactly as you are. An extraordinary spouse helps you grow; inspires you to be, do, and give your very best.” -Fawn Weaver
They are self-reflective.
They pay attention to their emotions and actions and if they ever behave in a negative way, they do the work of looking inward to discover why they acted that way and what they can do to prevent it from happening again.
“It takes a lot of courage, humility, and self-awareness to look at ourselves closely and with honesty.” -Todd Davis
They are honest about their mistakes.
And with that honesty comes a sincere apology. They face the damage they’ve caused head on in order to work on fixing it.
“It is one thing to make a mistake, and quite another thing not to admit it. People will forgive mistakes, because mistakes are usually of the mind, mistakes of judgement. But people will not easily forgive the mistakes of the heart, the ill intention, the bad motives, the prideful justifying cover-up of the first mistake.” -Stephen Covey
They have long-standing friendships.
If a person can’t even manage to have a healthy friendship, there is no way they can manage a healthy relationship with a significant other. Good long-standing friendships show that they know how to manage the “the gives and takes” of a relationship and how to put others before themselves. Also, one person can’t be everything to another person, a significant other should be the priority, but no one can hold up the weight of being another person’s “everything”.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” -Proverbs 27:17 (NIV)
@Julia Swartz
If they have strong relationships with friends and family, it also proves that they know the value of good relationships and then there is a better chance of them valuing their relationships with you and your potential future kids as well.
“Everything of value that we will know in this life comes from our relationships with those around us. Because there is nothing material that measures against the intangibles of love and friendship.” -R.A. Salvatore
Likewise, they encourage your connections with loving friends and family.
The more people you have loving you and looking out for you in life, the better. A significant other who truly loves you will want you to have a large and strong support system. If a significant other is trying to put a wedge between you and the people who have already proven their love for you throughout your life, that is a HUGE red flag! It indicates an abusive personality who wants you to have no one left to run to for help once they start the abuse.
“Love doesn’t isolate! If you have to cut off good friends and family to please your partner, you’re not in a relationship. That’s slavery. A person only isolates you so they can control you.” -Tony Gaskins
Their words and behavior align.
Love is a verb—which means it’s an action word, so it requires actions to truly exist. If they say they love you but their actions make you feel unloved, then they aren’t actually loving you.
I’ve had multiple guys talk about a future with me but—at best—they were dreaming and deceiving themselves about what they were capable of; and—at worst—they were only trying to keep me around longer by promising what they knew I wanted even though they did not intend to follow through. And I believed each one of them for far too long before I realized none of them were actually putting in the work to build that future, until Dakota.
For example: one thing Dakota did when we were dating which let me know he was serious about building a future with me was look up lists of questions you should ask your significant other before marriage and he went through all of the questions with me. He also made sure I met as many of the important people in his life as I could as soon as possible and vice versa.
“Great marriages are made when husbands and wives make a lot every day choices that say, ‘I love you’, rather than choices that say, ‘I love me’.” -Matthew L. Jacobson
They can engage in a disagreement without becoming cruel.
No one is ever going to agree with another person 100% of the time. You need to be able to discuss your disagreements civilly and lovingly. It’s important to be with someone who knows it’s not okay to be cruel in order to win a disagreement. The goal should be to talk things out and come to a mutual understanding.
“A healthy adult relationship is one where both people in the relationship give and both receive. There is a safe and open exchange of ideas, feelings, and thoughts and all perspectives are considered and valued. There is also the freedom to respectfully challenge, confront, and strengthen one another.” -Leslie Vernick
Even if you don’t come to the same conclusion in the end, each person needs to feel heard and understood. In healthy relationships, people can disagree and still be respectful. They can also find ways to compromise when choices and actions need to be decided upon even if they can never completely agree with or understand the other person’s viewpoint.
“Maturity in a relationship is seeing conflict as a way to develop deeper mutual understanding. It is not about winning or being correct, but about taking turns to listen selflessly and calmly speaking your truth to each other. Harmony grows when you meet each other in the middle.” -Yung Pueblo
They have their own healthy hobbies.
Of course couples should do a lot of stuff together; however, they shouldn’t need to do everything together. Each person should be well rounded enough to have their own things going on sometimes and be allowed to do their own thing.
“There’s a big difference between empty fatigue and gratifying exhaustion. Life is short. Invest in meaningful activities that move you.” -Marc and Angel Chernoff
They help you with your emotions.
Emotions can be wrong. Emotions aren’t always justified and can be misleading because they tend to come from our most selfish places. However, they are still real and ignoring or dismissing them doesn’t help. Repressed emotions can resurface later into actual physical ailments or can build up until you explode. In a healthy, loving relationship, you will be able to discuss your emotions—whether or not they are justified—without fighting about them, and work through them together.
This doesn’t mean that you both act like your emotions are always correct, it means you explore them together, without assumptions, and discover what they are trying to tell you. Even if they are illogical they are usually signaling you towards a wound which needs to be healed. So, you need to work together to figure out why you are feeling that way, be it injustice, selfishness, past trauma, an unforeseen trigger, etc. and then you can find ways to handle it healthily and heal the wounds which exist or the potentially false mindset you’re carrying which led to them.
A loving partner should be a safe space to talk about your feelings with, whether or not the feelings are logical and justified. But, you, also as a loving partner, need to be willing to be honest about the origin of the emotions and, potentially, your own infallibility, so that you can both come out better on the other side.
“When you shut down emotion, you’re also affecting your immune system. So the repression of emotion, which is a survival strategy, then becomes a source of physiological illness later on.” -Gabor Mate
They share compatible goals for your relationship.
Unfortunately, you might find someone who is perfect in every way, but they don’t want to have kids, while you do want to have kids. If you both want to build different types of futures, through no fault of either of you, you can’t build your future together.
“Chemistry refers to the emotional connection you feel with another individual. Your chemistry is what creates the magnetic pull towards someone, what attracts you to their being and the foundation for sexual attraction. Compatibility on the other hand is related to lifestyle, goals, and values and overall vision. If you have chemistry without compatibility, this creates a short term intimate relationship. If you have compatibility without much chemistry, this creates a dry, passionless relationship. Both are needed for the relationship to feel filled with passion, life, purpose, and sustenance.”
They understand that healthy relationships require continuous work.
All relationships take work. They require a willingness to grow and adapt with your partner. You are not the same person you were a year ago and neither are they; nor will either of you be exactly the same a year from now. You have to stay checked-in with each other—spend quality time with each other, talk about your day and thoughts together—in order to grow and change together instead of drifting apart.
“Men are so worried that marriage will leave them with ‘only one woman’ for the rest of their lives. That’s simply not true. I fell in love with a 19-year-old rock climber, married a 20-year-old animal lover, started a family with a 24-year-old mother, then built a farm with a 25-year-old homemaker, and today I’m married to a 27-year-old woman of wisdom. If your mind is healthy, you’ll never get tired of ‘one woman’. You’ll actually become overwhelmed with how many beautiful versions of her you get to marry over the years. Don’t say no to marriage, say yes and keep saying yes until the day you die.” -Dale Partridge
Also, there is no such thing as, “I told you I loved you on our wedding day and that’s enough.” No, that’s neglect and indicates an unhealthy detachment from your emotions. There is nothing wrong with reassuring your partner of your love, and in fact, it is ideal—dare I say, required. A strong relationship is one in which both people and constantly reminded that they are loved. Feeling securely loved allows you to grow and flourish in all aspects of your life.
“Marriage is not the end of the search for love. It’s the end of the search for the person to love. The search for ways to love that person has just begun.” -Hank Sinatra
They share your form of spirituality.
A person’s religious beliefs impact pretty much every decision they make, even the small ones, but especially the major ones. If you don’t share your core belief system, you don’t really share the same view of the world. You might be able to coast by through the small choices, but when life gets hard, like it does for everyone, you will both fall back on your core beliefs for guidance and if they are incompatible belief systems, you will fall apart.
On the flip side, if you share your core belief system, it will make your choices easier. Decisions like how to raise your children, which places you should donate money to, and which holidays to celebrate, will be way easier.
“When people fall in love with someone’s flowers, but not their roots, they don’t know what to do when Autumn comes. Your relationship needs to be built on a deep alignment of values, character, and morals (the roots) not just ‘love’, appearance, hobbies, and status (the flowers).” -suetsai & doctor_bolu / Twitter
These are just a few of many green flags which indicate the potential for a strong, healthy, long-lasting relationship. If you find a person who flies these flags and they want to build a future with you, you are blessed.
Likewise, we should all be working at becoming the type of person who flies these flags as well. The number one way to attract the type of person you want, is to work at becoming the type of person they deserve.
If you inherently long for something, become it first. If you want gardens, become the gardener. If you want love, embody love. If you want mental stimulation, change the conversation. If you want peace, exude calmness. If you want to fill your world with artists, begin to paint. If you want to be valued, respect your own time. If you want to live ecstatically, find the ecstacy within yourself. This is how to draw it in, day by day, inch by inch.
This series of blog posts titled, “Holding on to Reason”, is named after Amanda’s favorite C.S. Lewis quote: “Faith is the art of holding on to things your reason has once accepted, in spite of your changing moods.”